Hello and Welcome to another Beautiful Day,
Whenever force is used, in particular lethal force, those applying it need to know under what circumstances that force should be applied and to what extent. This statement is true whether one is talking about military combatants, parent-child relationships, or intimate partners.
According to military law, Rules of Engagement (ROE’s) for military combat are directives issued by competent military authority that delineate the circumstances and limitations under which military forces at the tactical level will initiate and/or continue combat engagement with other forces encountered in a manner consistent with strategic objectives. The ROE’s are a method for ensuring policy compliance and a means by which legal compliance is achieved. Despite having a clear set of ROE’s, proverbial lines still get crossed and not all parties engaged in combat play by the rules.
The same may be said about Rules of Engagement in relationships – proverbial lines still get crossed and not all parties engaged in relationships play by the rules whether it is friend-friend, parent-child, partner-partner. Furthermore, while there are some directives issued by ‘competent authorities’ to delineate the limitations and/or prohibitions against emotional and/or physical force within a relationship, there are currently no satisfactory external methods for ensuring the legal compliance against and prevention of one person enacting emotional and/or physical force against the other.
The best protections against finding your self in a conflictual relationship are self-awareness, self-respect, and self-defense. Anyone who possesses these three qualities will not allow him or herself to remain engaged in any kind of conflict – at least not for very long. As soon as self-aware, self-respecting people realize that their partner, friend, parent, etc. is engaging them in conflict and is not playing by the rules, they initiate self-defense. If the aggressive person cannot be brought into compliance with the relationship ROE’s, then the best defense is to walk away from the conflict – disengage.
Just in case anyone is not clear what the Rules of Engagement in interpersonal relationships are, please allow me to set forth some rules that most people would perceive as reasonable:
- Thou shall not kill. This seems like an obvious rule, yet we know from crime statistics that most spouses/Significant Others are killed by their partner, and many children are killed by their parents.
- Be honest. Lies of omission are just as damaging as lies of commission. Tell the truth; keep no secrets from each other. If you have something to hide, ask yourself why you are hiding it and why you do not want to let the other person know about whatever it is.
- Communicate effectively.
- Say aloud what you are thinking and feeling inside. Your friend, partner, child, parent is NOT a mind reader. No matter how well you know each other, it is your responsibility to make known what you think, feel, prefer, like, dislike, etc.
- Use precise language – say what you mean and mean what you say; that means, do not use exaggerated language (e.g., ‘You always do x,’ ‘You never do x,’ etc.), do not make intentionally hurtful statements or engage in character assassinations, do tell the other person about yourself rather than about him or herself (e.g., say ‘I prefer that you do x’ instead of saying ‘You need to do x’).
- Be kind, respectful, considerate, appreciative, and loving. If you are not treated the same way in reciprocation, then disengage. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. If you allow someone to be disrespectful, inconsiderate, unappreciative, and unloving toward you, then they will continue to treat you that way and it is your responsibility to disengage.
Remember, there are no set rules – be flexible. You can determine the quality and manner of your relationships and you can modify rules as you go, provided that whatever rules you apply do not involve being physically harmful, emotionally demeaning, or constraining toward the other person (friend, child, partner, etc.) in any way.
May you find your way to engage in kind, respectful, considerate, appreciative, and loving relationships with all the people in your life.
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