Though it has been a while since my last column, I wanted to share an inspirational event with you…

Message from my Mother

It was two days before Christmas and I was in my office at work, biding my time until I could hit the road on my way home to visit with family for the winter holidays.  Feeling bored, as I had no clients scheduled for that morning, and seeking a constructive way to fill the time until my departure, I began perusing my bookshelves for something to occupy my mind.  As I scanned, something caught my attention – a piece of paper sticking out of a book.  This finding was curious to me because I have read through this particular book several times over the years and never before recalled marking a particular passage or seeing the piece of paper.  The book was M. Scott Pecks’, The Road Less Traveled, and it seemed an especially appropriate selection for me to read both because of its inspirational content and the fact that I was about to embark on a long road trip.

And then it happened…a Christmas miracle.

As I arose from my chair, moved toward the bookshelf, and stretched out my hand to reach for the book I felt as though I was in a dream, enveloped by a feeling of tremendous expectancy.  After pulling the book from the shelf, I could see the top of the paper sticking. The letterhead read, “Zurbrugg Hospital/Rancocas Hospital” and displayed the emblem belonging to the Center for Women and Health.  This was curious to me because Rancocas Hospital/Center for Women and Health is located in the town where I lived with my family as a child.  It is also the hospital where my mother was treated for cancer.  How odd, I thought, how coincidental, that a piece of stationary from that hospital would be sticking out of my book.   Being an avid book addict and bargain hunter, I distinctly remember acquiring this particular book from a used book store somewhere along my life travels, but definitely nowhere in the New Jersey or tri-state area, which is where Rancocas Hospital is located.  I opened the book to the page from which the paper was sticking out, and much to my amazement, I saw my mother’s handwriting.  There was no mistaking that the handwriting was definitely hers.  How did a note in my mother’s handwriting end up in this book and why had I never noticed it until now?

Excitedly, I read what she had written.  It said, “Most people don’t take full responsibility for themselves.  They blame other people, circumstances, and even God for their problems.”  Isn’t it the truth, I thought, and was filled with a surge of pride that my mother had realized this truth because I would not have attributed such an insight to her.  Given that my Mom was known for marking up books and writing in the margins, I painstakingly searched through the entire book hoping for more insights into her mind on the pages.  What I found was bittersweet.

On the first blank page under the cover, she had written “p 128 129,” so I immediately turned to those pages.  This is what Dr. Peck wrote that obviously had resonated with my mother because she underlined the following passage:

            Since true listening is love in action, nowhere is it more appropriate than in marriage.   Yet most couples never truly listen to each other.  Consequently, when couples come to us [psychiatrists/psychologists] for counseling or therapy, a major task we must accomplish if the process is to be successful is to teach them how to listen.  Not infrequently, we fail, the energy and discipline involved being more than they are willing to expand or submit themselves to. Couples are often surprised, even horrified, when we suggest to them that among the things they should do is talk to each other by appointment.  It seems rigid and unromantic and un-spontaneous to them.  Yet true listening can occur only when time is set aside for it and conditions are supportive of it.  It cannot occur when people are driving, or cooking, or tired and anxious to sleep or easily interrupted or in a hurry.  Romantic “love” is effortless, and couples are frequently reluctant to shoulder the effort and discipline of true love and listening.  But when and if they finally do, the results are superbly gratifying.  Again and again we have the experience of hearing one spouse say to the other with real joy, once the process of true listening has begun, “We’ve been married twenty-nine years and I never knew that about you before.” When this occurs,  we know that growth in the marriage has begun.

Sadly, my mother and father never got to experience true listening with each other, nor did my siblings and I get to witness true listening between our parents.  My mother has been dead for ten years as of this writing, and regretably she and I also never had the joyful experience of truly listening to each other.  But today, it is as if my mother has reached out to me from the grave to share her wisdom and insight, and to help guide me in my own life journey to find that which was so elusive to her.

Thank you, Mom.  I am listening, and your loving message has been received. 

My body is still tingling from this supernatural experience, for it happened only moments before I began writing this column.  A Christmas Miracle – I can think of no better gift.

Merry Christmas to all!  May you find your way to truly listen.

To start the New Year off well, apply these 22 Laws of Wellness from cancer survivor Greg Anderson:

May you find your way to wellness.

There is a difference between compromising and settling.  In my mind, a compromise is an agreement in which each side gives up some demands or makes concessions without negating one’s own integrity, values, rights, or hopes.  The two parties arrive at a figurative place somewhere midway between their two positions without neglecting the things that matter.

Contrastingly, when one settles, one accepts something in place of what is hoped for, requested, or desired and this settling often involves giving up something of great intangible value such as a principle, or one’s integrity, values, rights, or hopes. Don’t settle; don’t sacrifice yourself.

Think of the difference between these two concepts as an analogy from the SAT’s…

Compromise is to settle as assertive is to aggressive. 

When a person behaves in an assertive manner, s/he acts in a positive, confident manner that empowers her/him to achieve the result or outcome s/he desires without compromising her/his own or another’s integrity, values, or rights.  Whereas, when a person behaves in an aggressive manner, s/he acts in a negative, bullying manner that ultimately disempowers her/him and the other person even if s/he achieves the short-term result or outcome s/he desires because her/his actions violate her/his own or another’s integrity, values, or rights.  Being aggressive is not worth it.

In my experience, aggressive people are unassertive and insecure with a limited repertoire in their behavioral bag of tricks from which to choose.  Sometimes, if you can reach their hearts or soul, they will see the light and change their ways by expanding their behavioral choices to include kinder, gentler strategies for expressing themselves and achieving desired outcomes.  Sadly though, many aggressive people do not have this insight into themselves and they are firmly locked into their behaviors thereby lacking the motivation to change.  They’re trapped.

Aggressive bullies who ‘force’ you to settle and who disregard your integrity, values, or rights will only contribute to your unhappiness (and their own).  As you find your way in life, do not settle for a bully as a friend, colleague, or partner.  Find people who are able to be assertive and who are willing to compromise, for they will contribute to your happiness by respecting your integrity, values, rights, hopes, and dreams.    

Top Ten Things I Have Learned About Life

1) You can’t be mindful without paying attention.

2) Things happen just as they ‘should’, and if you don’t like what happens to you, then you ‘should’ have paid better attention.

3) You and your convictions and beliefs will be tested throughout your life.

4) Great people do not merely have principles; they are the epitome of their principles

5) You may not love everybody, but you would be wise to accept people as they are.

6) When all else fails, laugh about it until you feel better.

7) The pen truly is mightier than the sword.

8)  The three “F’s” will help you go far – faith, family, and friends.

9)  In order to be true to yourself, you may often have to stand alone.

10)  You are never really alone.

What’s on your top ten list? 

May you find your way to generate a life list, then live by its contents.

In 1943, a young psychologist attempted to explain what motivates humans to act.  He believed that human motivations could be categorized into two basic groups; first a motivation to act in order to replenish a deficiency and second, a motivation to act in order to grow.  His name was Abraham Maslow and his theory came to be known as Maslow’s’ Hierarchy of Needs.

According to Maslow, humans will focus their attention and intention upon the growth needs if and only if the deficiency needs have been satisfied. First things first, so to speak. 

After basic physiological needs such as the need for air, food, water are secure, when one’s survival is no longer an issue, and that person feels loved and valued for who they are, then s/he may begin to focus on developing her/his cognitive abilities and satisfy the ‘need’ to know, to understand, and explore; satisfy the ‘need’ to experience aesthetics – symmetry, order, and beauty; pursue self-fulfillment and realize one’s potential by becoming self-actualized.  In later years, Maslow added another level to his hierarchy, the ‘need’ to connect with something that is beyond one’s personal ego as well as to help others find their way to self-fulfillment, which is the highest desire and highest good known as self-transcendence.

Transcendence is a state of being or existence above and beyond the limits of material experience, beyond the limits of emotions and usual understanding; to exceed beyond the ordinary.

For those of us on a spiritual path to enlightenment and transcendence, it can be a kind of ‘living Hell’ to get stuck at a ‘lower level’ and feel stifled in our life progression.  When this happens, how do we get ourselves unstuck?

The only answer is by faith, hope, and persistence.  You just have to believe that there is cohesiveness and a purpose to your life and that if you persist in your desires, then you will transcend your current situation, state of being, and level of ‘need.’

I believe that as one progresses up the pyramid, the motivation to achieve becomes greater.  As each level of ‘need’ is satisfied, people’s sense of mastery becomes stronger spurring them on to higher goals.  As people get nearer to the top, the motivation becomes so strong and their sense of mastery so certain, that it can be temporarily devastating to get stuck and become frustrated by not being able to achieve that next highest level.

Having been there myself, I firmly believe that in the end, it is only our own selves that hold us back.  In part, it may be remnants of ego that get in the way; but more likely, it is negative self-talk and all of the “I cant’s”  and “I don’t want to’s” that become our greatest obstacles.

That which we resist, persists.  That which we give energy to, will grow.  So, the way to overcome these self-induced obstacles is to let go, go with the flow, be accepting, and focus your energy, attention, and intent on what you want rather than what you do not.

Believe me, this is easier said than done, yet it is how you and I will find our way to salvation and transcendence.

I hope we all find our way to the top of the pyramid.    

I’m gonna make it by any means, I got a pocketful of dreams
Baby, I’m from New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of - There’s nothing you can’t do
Now you’re in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Let’s hear it for New York, New York, New York!

~ Empire State of Mind, Alicia Keys

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Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it. ~ Adolph Hitler

In war, truth is the first casualty.~ Aeschylus

Here is a truth for us all to ponder…

It is unfortunately none too well understood that, just as the State has no money of its own, so it has no power of its own. ~ Albert J. Nock

It is “We the people” who give the state both money and power.  So, if we want peace and to end war, then we can make that happen by the way we allocate the money and power.  You must let your voice be heard.