Hello and Welcome to Another Beautiful Day,
Though it has been a while since my last column, I wanted to share an inspirational event with you…
Message from my Mother
It was two days before Christmas and I was in my office at work, biding my time until I could hit the road on my way home to visit with family for the winter holidays. Feeling bored, as I had no clients scheduled for that morning, and seeking a constructive way to fill the time until my departure, I began perusing my bookshelves for something to occupy my mind. As I scanned, something caught my attention – a piece of paper sticking out of a book. This finding was curious to me because I have read through this particular book several times over the years and never before recalled marking a particular passage or seeing the piece of paper. The book was M. Scott Pecks’, The Road Less Traveled, and it seemed an especially appropriate selection for me to read both because of its inspirational content and the fact that I was about to embark on a long road trip.
And then it happened…a Christmas miracle.
As I arose from my chair, moved toward the bookshelf, and stretched out my hand to reach for the book I felt as though I was in a dream, enveloped by a feeling of tremendous expectancy. After pulling the book from the shelf, I could see the top of the paper sticking. The letterhead read, “Zurbrugg Hospital/Rancocas Hospital” and displayed the emblem belonging to the Center for Women and Health. This was curious to me because Rancocas Hospital/Center for Women and Health is located in the town where I lived with my family as a child. It is also the hospital where my mother was treated for cancer. How odd, I thought, how coincidental, that a piece of stationary from that hospital would be sticking out of my book. Being an avid book addict and bargain hunter, I distinctly remember acquiring this particular book from a used book store somewhere along my life travels, but definitely nowhere in the New Jersey or tri-state area, which is where Rancocas Hospital is located. I opened the book to the page from which the paper was sticking out, and much to my amazement, I saw my mother’s handwriting. There was no mistaking that the handwriting was definitely hers. How did a note in my mother’s handwriting end up in this book and why had I never noticed it until now?
Excitedly, I read what she had written. It said, “Most people don’t take full responsibility for themselves. They blame other people, circumstances, and even God for their problems.” Isn’t it the truth, I thought, and was filled with a surge of pride that my mother had realized this truth because I would not have attributed such an insight to her. Given that my Mom was known for marking up books and writing in the margins, I painstakingly searched through the entire book hoping for more insights into her mind on the pages. What I found was bittersweet.
On the first blank page under the cover, she had written “p 128 129,” so I immediately turned to those pages. This is what Dr. Peck wrote that obviously had resonated with my mother because she underlined the following passage:
Since true listening is love in action, nowhere is it more appropriate than in marriage. Yet most couples never truly listen to each other. Consequently, when couples come to us [psychiatrists/psychologists] for counseling or therapy, a major task we must accomplish if the process is to be successful is to teach them how to listen. Not infrequently, we fail, the energy and discipline involved being more than they are willing to expand or submit themselves to. Couples are often surprised, even horrified, when we suggest to them that among the things they should do is talk to each other by appointment. It seems rigid and unromantic and un-spontaneous to them. Yet true listening can occur only when time is set aside for it and conditions are supportive of it. It cannot occur when people are driving, or cooking, or tired and anxious to sleep or easily interrupted or in a hurry. Romantic “love” is effortless, and couples are frequently reluctant to shoulder the effort and discipline of true love and listening. But when and if they finally do, the results are superbly gratifying. Again and again we have the experience of hearing one spouse say to the other with real joy, once the process of true listening has begun, “We’ve been married twenty-nine years and I never knew that about you before.” When this occurs, we know that growth in the marriage has begun.
Sadly, my mother and father never got to experience true listening with each other, nor did my siblings and I get to witness true listening between our parents. My mother has been dead for ten years as of this writing, and regretably she and I also never had the joyful experience of truly listening to each other. But today, it is as if my mother has reached out to me from the grave to share her wisdom and insight, and to help guide me in my own life journey to find that which was so elusive to her.
Thank you, Mom. I am listening, and your loving message has been received.
My body is still tingling from this supernatural experience, for it happened only moments before I began writing this column. A Christmas Miracle – I can think of no better gift.
Merry Christmas to all! May you find your way to truly listen.
